I remember it like it was yesterday..... My husband looking at me like I was a crazy person (well, crazier than my usual) as I bawled my face off because I didn't want to leave our baby to go back to work. I swear, that last day before heading back to work was the ABSOLUTE WORST...cue the ugly crying face...
It still blows my mind that I was so upset about it...Before I had Olivia I told my coworkers I'd come back as soon as possible because I couldn't live without work....HA... couldn't live without work.... Who freaking says that?!?!?!?! Obviously I had much different priorities before I became a Mom...
Nevertheless, as doomsday aka back to work day approached I felt so many emotions... I did not want to go. I begged my husband to figure it out...ask for a raise...win the lottery...rob a bank (Olivia and I would totally visit him in prison....). SOMETHING... Just please don't make me go!
But.... I went back...
It has been 7 months or so since I've been back and let me tell you.... I STILL miss maternity leave...
And I'll tell you why:
Ugghhhh... Pumping at work is the worst thing ever... It is such a pain in the ass... Being stuck at your desk on the phone as your boobs feel like they are going to explode off your chest...Trying to pump as much as you can in a tiny little pumping break... Finding a private place to pump if there isn't a designated area... Feeling weird about putting your milk and pumping stuff on display in the office fridge.. TOTALLY THE WORST. Add that with the added stress of being back to work and watch your milk supply disappear... I ended up giving up after just a few months (a choice I still somewhat regret).
SO MUCH GUILT.... ALL THE TIME..... OVER EVERYTHING..... AND NOTHING...... ALL AT THE SAME TIME..... Wondering if you're making the right decision....Feeling like your ruining your kids life every time you leave them.. While the guilty feeling does ease slowly.. you still always have that deep underlying feeling that you shouldn't leave your sweet little nugget.
This is something I'm just now starting to notice.. Now that Olivia is in that weird stranger danger phase, it really stresses me when she prefers other people over me. I don't think I've mentioned this in any other posts, but we are lucky enough to have family watch Olivia while we are at work so we don't have to put her in daycare. My 72 year old Nana watches Olivia everyday...Yes, you read correctly.. My BADASS 72 years young NANA (she is wonderful and amazing, we couldn't do it without her) takes care of my baby while I am off at work. Nana and Olivia spend anywhere from 40 to 50 hours per week together.. They are total besties.... so naturally Olivia loves her so much... which is wonderful... but sometimes Olivia doesn't want me and she grabs for Nana... it makes me feel horrible.. but happy at the same time that she loves Nana so much.. Its confusing.. so confusing..
4. MISSING OUT
I go to work every morning with the intense fear that I will miss out on a major milestone... If I miss Olivia's first words or her walking for the first time I will never forgive myself... I know that Olivia is SO close to walking.. she is trying so hard! I am deathly afraid that I won't be there to see it...I wish I could be home all the time to see all the amazing firsts.
5. BAD DAYS
This is the worst item on this list... Nothing is worse than having a bad day at work...except for when you sit and think about how you gave up a whole day that you could have spent with your favorite tiny human just to go to work and have a bad day. A whole day wasted that could have been spent so much more wisely. You could have played...You could have taught your little one something new....You could have snuggled.. Why the hell do we work to be miserable? Oh yeah... because we need money.. money to support our kids and give them everything we possibly can.. oh yeah.. that's the reason..
I love working...I enjoy being at work and talking to people who actually talk back when I speak... I have always been a hard working and motivated person...but some days... some days I just miss maternity leave, and being one on one with my little one...