Howell, MI, USA

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If This is the Last Time I Hold You

January 22, 2019

Tonight I had a moment.

 

My husband is out of town for a "guy's weekend", and I have had the house and our little one all to myself. We played, we ate, we watched movies, we laughed. We had such a blast... It was so nice.

Bedtime came, and as usual, when I asked our kiddo if she was ready for bed, she frantically shook her head no, even as she rubbed her tired eyes. 

 

We gathered all the bed time essentials. All three blankets (yes, my kid has three special blankets, and yes, it is excessive), pacifier, and cozy jammies. We climbed the stairs and made it to her bedroom. I turned on her Baby Einstein sound soother (as I always do), and before I laid her down, I stood there for a moment in the dark holding her. I hugged her a little longer than usual. I went to lay her down in her big girl bed (it still shocks me when I say big girl bed. Where did my baby go?), and she held on to me so tightly that I couldn't lay her down. This was very out of the ordinary. As she's gotten older, she has become so independent, and cuddling has become a fond but distant memory for me. My little girl used to be so excited to snuggle and give me kisses, and now she just laughs in my face when I ask for one. 

 

Ugh, toddler life...

 

So I stood there in the dark. Holding my sweet girl. I started rocking her back and forth in the darkness, just like I did when I was a sleep deprived Mama (well, more sleep deprived than I am now) with a newborn. I could feel her grip on me loosen as she fell to sleep, but I still couldn't let her go. 

 

I just stood there, wondering if this would be the last time I'd hold her like this. It was like I finally came to the realization that my little girl wouldn't, in fact, be little forever. Whether I am ready or not, she is going to grow up. She is already growing up. 

It just about killed me to finally lay her down, but I knew if I didn't peel myself away I would have spent the entire night standing in her room with her in my arms. 

 

I spent the rest of the evening feeling such a mix of emotions. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little heartbroken. I am so ridiculously proud of the young lady that my favorite gal is becoming, but I am so incredibly heartbroken that I have to say goodbye to that sweet baby girl. 

Being a Mother is such a blessing and a curse. It is so crazy to me how something can be so empowering yet painful. Motherhood is so rewarding, but you have to give up little pieces of your heart in exchange. 

 

I will cherish every single opportunity that my sweet girl gives me to hold her just a little bit longer...

 

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the corner crying... 

 

Any other Mama feel this way? 

 

 

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