Let's all be honest for a moment. Labor is TERRIFYING. No matter how many times you've been through it, or if you haven't been through it at all, the thought of pushing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon is horrifying. Even more over, having said watermelon surgically removed from you is even more horrifying!
Yeah sure, I believe that whole "it's a beautiful and natural thing" bit. It is amazing. Truly amazing. But just because something is beautiful and natural doesn't make it less scary!
Having a birth plan now is all the rage, but honestly, my birth plan only consisted of not dying...Some things in life just can't be planned, you know?
In hindsight I think about my birth experience, and I laugh. I was such a psycho. For months leading up to giving birth I talked about all the things that I wouldn't do..."Oh, that will never be me"... Ha.. Let me tell you, the joke was on me...
Here are 5 things I swore I wouldn't do during labor that I totally did do:
1. I Will Never Poop on the Table
Come on people. At least 80% of us did this. AT LEAST. I'll admit it. I pooped. I mean, I pushed out a damn near 10 pound baby, there was zero chance of me not pooping. And while I promised myself I would never do it, I did, and there was literally nothing I could do about...and honestly, at the point that I actually did poop, I was in so much pain that I couldn't give two shits. Pun 100% intended.
2. I Will Never be Bitchy to my Support Team
I always thought I would remain calm during labor. Let's all take a collective moment to laugh at this.... From my psychotic, type A personality, I probably should have surmised that I would in fact not be calm and polite during labor, but I really did think I'd keep my cool. By the time it came to push, I was cursing my husband's name and yelling at my Mom to stop texting and hold my leg... It was a truly beautiful moment...
3. I Will Never Say I Can't do it
If it's one thing anyone would know about me, it's that I am no a quitter. I will see anything through to the end (even a few things I probably shouldn't). There was a brief time during my horrendously long labor, that I really wanted to give up. I legitimately did not think I could do it. I told the attending OB that I didn't think I could do it, and I will thank her until the end for her response. She said "well, sweetheart, I know you can do it, because you don't really have any other choice." She said it with just enough tough love to make me pull myself together, and guess what? I did it...
4. I Will Never Take the Drugs
I always figured I'd get an epidural. I never really researched it or anything (please don't cringe at that), I just figured that's what women do now.. But all the other pain relief options?!?! What?!? I did not realize just how many different options there are! And let me tell you, I took them all...(that's an exaggeration, but I definitely tried a few!) After nearly two days of labor, I probably would have taken anything!
5. I Will Not be Super Emotional
I've never really been a person that was in touch with my emotions. I never used to show my true feelings, I sometimes still don't. I always thought I'd just be calm after giving birth. I mean I was super excited, but I never thought I'd be so over taken by my emotions. When they laid that little chick on my chest, I could have died in that moment. My life was so complete... I bawled my face off. I just couldn't even control it. Shock, excitement, happiness, plus just being glad labor was over... tears, tears, tears....
I'm sure I could think of a lot of other things I never said I'd do during labor, but then I'd have to write a novel... What are some things you never thought you'd do during labor?