top of page

Am I a bitter b*tch?!

Alright, I need to vent and/or validate myself... Or maybe give myself a reality check... I'm honestly not sure...

A little over three years ago I found out I was pregnant. I kept it a secret from my husband for two whole weeks, while I planned and plotted an elaborate surprise reveal to tell him that he was going to be a dad.

During my pregnancy I gained 80 pounds... 80 freaking pounds...That's basically a freaking 10 year old. I also suffered from bizarre compulsions like ice chewing (pica) and fabric softener sniffing... Super weird, I know... I literally could not explain it to you even if I tried, because as soon as I popped that kid out, I never had the urge to do weird shit again...Well, weird shit due to pregnancy at least...

When my labor started, my contractions were 1 minute apart. They were so intense that I had to be sedated just so I could get the sleep I needed to go through labor and delivery. I labored for 36ish hours, then pushed for 4 hours. That's 240 minutes of pushing. That's 14,400 seconds of pushing. 4 FREAKING HOURS OF PUSHING.

After what felt like days, I delivered my 10 pound whopper. Well, 9 pounds, 7 ounces, but might as well round up, because that chick was massive. She looked like a sumo wrestler when she was born. I distinctly remember that being one of my first thoughts right after I thought, "holy hell, that came out of me?!?".

Soon after delivery came the stitches. My little sumo wrestler really tore me up.. pun intended...

I spent the first week barely able to sit. My poor vag....I have very fond memories of my bathroom trips that first week... But who has time to sit when you're up every hour or two pumping and feeding a newborn?

But look at me now! I've got a wild and crazy two and a half year old, my vag is back to normal (At least I think so), and I've lost all that baby weight.

What could I possibly have to be bitter about?!?!

Well... I'll tell you...

I went through all that painful and bizarre crap, just for my kid to love her Dad more than me....And you know what? I am definitely bitter about it... I mean what the hell?!?!? I carried you for 9 months! I destroyed my body for you! I freaking tore my vagina for you! I deprived myself of sleep until I was on the brink of a psychotic break for you! And still, you want Daddy.

Don't get me wrong, your Dad played a pretty vital role in the whole gig... but come on... throw Mommy a bone! Get excited when I walk through the door. Cry for me when I have to leave. Ask for me to kiss your boo boos. Mommy kisses are just as good as Daddy kisses you know?!?!

Ugh.. I just don't get it... I am so, so, so happy that my kiddo and her Dad have such an amazing relationship.. but I'm also super jealous...Is it petty for me to even be jealous about it? Am I just not being a "fun enough" Mom?

Should I just leave it alone and get over it?


bottom of page