I Lost My Sh*t Today..
Can anyone tell me when it actually gets easier?
When does being a Mom, working a full-time job, running a household, being a good wife, being a good friend, and all the other crap just get easier...
I'm really starting to wonder if it ever actually does.
It's wild though, because there is never an in between for me. It's all or nothing. I'm either crushing life, and on top of the world, or I'm epically failing, and I can barely figure out where I'm going or what I'm doing...
Why is there no in between? Why am I either a good mom or a bad mom? Why can't I just be a good mom having a bad day?
I'll tell you why...because I'm a psycho, and I'm irrational, and I'm an over thinker, and having a baby, and a life, and all the other crap that goes with it, is slowly turning me into a nut job.
Why am I stuck in this back and forth? It's relentless, and never ending, and so incredibly infuriating...
Well, today I lost my shit.
I damn near completely unraveled, and it was the littlest thing that set me over the edge. Well, it was big in the moment, but in the scheme of things, it's little.
Let me start from the beginning..
Work has been stressful lately to say the least. I've been struggling because I love working and having my own identity, but I also really want another baby. I know that having another baby isn't possible if I continue working full time. Going down to part time would be an option, but unfortunately for me, the position I have currently isn't one that would be available part time, and looking for a new job just so I can have a baby seems a little crazy...even for me...
So all of that work/baby crap is on my mind 24/7, along with the typical work stresses...But then I also have my work here...which I absolutely love, and wouldn't trade for the world. I love sharing my thoughts and my life with people. I love making fun of myself. I love holding myself accountable. I love the work that I do, connecting with other moms and being a source of humor and support. But, it takes a lot of time... If I never had to sleep, my problems would be solved.
I'm getting a little side tracked... The point is, I basically run around like a spastic crazy person from the second I wake up, until second I fall asleep (if I can even fall asleep...). Much like every other Mom in this world, I take on more than I probably should, but I never let that stop me.
I had a totally normal day. Worked as usual. Ran some errands after work. Nothing out of the ordinary. For some reason as I was running errands, I was going through my to-do list in my head (as I often do), and realized I completely forgot about a deadline I had for something I was working on. Just completely missed it. Didn't even think twice about it.
Mid-errand, I ran out to my car and completely lost my shit. It was something totally unimportant in the scheme of things, but it just pushed me over the edge. I was teetering, and that one forgotten deadline just threw me into an irrational emotional spiral.
I got in my car and bawled my face off for about 15 minutes before I recognized how ridiculous I was acting.
I'm just taking on too much. I'm working too much. I'm trying to do too much for people. I'm trying to be too many things at once. I'm trying to force something that is NEVER going to work. I literally cannot do the 5,000 things I'm trying to do all at the same time.
I know this. I completely agree that it just isn't possible to keep trying to make it work. So why can't I actually chill the F out?
Why can't I just accept the fact that I am a human being and not some cracked out super human that can be in 5,000 places at once?
Is it a mom thing? Is it just an obsessive compulsive thing? Is it just one of my neurosis?
Does anyone else have this issue? If so, how the heck do you get it together?
Because this Mama is LOSING her shit, and I cannot keep doing the same things and expecting different results... That's the definition of insanity right?