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I'm Afraid of who my Daughter will Turn out to be like

It never ceases to amaze me how many weird things you think about once you become a parent. There is an insane amount of self reflection involved once you are put in charge of raising a kiddo. I've always been very critical of myself and my choices in life. I became even more critical of myself once I had a child. Maybe a little too critical? But becoming a Mother, or even a Father for that matter, really brings a whole new level of self awareness.

You think about things you wish you would have done, or chances you should have taken. Things you could have accomplished, goals you could have achieved. You might even reflect on some of your personal traits.

While I was pregnant with Olivia

It almost feels like when you start that new parenting chapter of life, you have to close the book on your old life. It feels weird at first, not necessarily wrong, just different...but then you get into this new role, this new life, and things just carry on... Before you even realize it, you can't picture your life any other way.

I've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. I don't know if it's because my family has finally hit a point in our new life that finally feels normal (It only took almost 2 years, no big deal..). It feels usual. Or maybe it's because I'm realizing that the new normal we've discovered won't be normal forever... I don't know... I could go on and on with my thoughts about it...

The point is that I've been thinking a lot about who I think Olivia is going to be. I can see parts of her personality developing, and can kind of see where her mindset is headed...And if I'm being completely honest, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid because I think she is going to turn out to be just like me.

I know that sounds crazy. Who wouldn't want their child created in their image? I don't. And here's why:

I don't want Olivia to experience the weight of her own unrealistic expectations. I don't want her to have such deeply rooted anxiety, she can feel it in her chest, slowly crippling her. I don't want her to feel obsessive compulsive tendencies that make other people think she's crazy. I don't want her to feel like she has to push herself until she can't push herself anymore.

These are all things that I do to myself everyday. It's who I am. I don't know how to be any other way. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the overall person that I am and all my flaws (most days), and I would love for Olivia to look like me or act like me, but I don't want her to experience my shortcomings. I want her to be better than I am in every aspect of her life.

I want Olivia to be strong, independent, responsible, and rational. I want her to roll with the punches, and know that it's okay to not be perfect all the time. I want her to embrace messes, and not freak out about them.

But how do I teach her to be that way when I am literally the 100% exact opposite?

I guess I have some working on myself to do...

What are some traits that you hope your kiddo doesn't inherit from you?


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